My laundry is trying to maim me.

Yesterday I was hanging clothes up in my closet after pulling them off the rack from air-drying (I'm sure I've told you all how much I love my mini washing machine and drying rack many times, so I'll spare you this once), and I had dropped a hanger on my bed. So I bend over a bit to pick it up and I feel a snap in my lower back. And then a jolt of pain up my spine, then back down it again.

And then I couldn't move.

This is the second time I have done something like this, and the first time it has happened when bending over slightly. I spent five minutes bent over and sobbing because I couldn't push myself up and my lower back was starting to burn even more with the effort of keeping in this half bent limbo. Another five minutes spent trying to stand up straight, and then ten minutes after that attempting to get comfortable in any way possible.

Heat packs, muscle relaxants, pillows shoved into my lower back....I've tried it all. The only time there is non-pain is for a few minutes while standing straight up and walking around. It takes a few minutes for the creakiness to wear off and for my back to adjust to being upright, but then I have a few blissful minutes of being pain-free. Walking around never felt so good. Then, maybe five minutes later, I have to lie back down because it starts to hurt again.

I had been hoping to head to the farmers market today, but I woke up so sore today that even going to the bathroom required a massive military effort. You know those commercials that air late at night that feature those walk-in bathtubs for old people? There is a little chair and you shut the tiny little door after you walk into it? I'd slay for one of those right about now.

The fact that this happened right as the weekend began has NOT gone unnoticed, body. I don't know what your game is, but you clearly didn't want me to pick up any more of that delicious and fresh red pepper and tomato pickled relish at the market again today. WTF? That stuff is AWESOME and I know my stomach enjoyed it and I normally hate relish. Remember when we forced B to drive us to go get smokies and buns just so we could have smokies with this relish on top EVEN THOUGH WE NEVER EAT SAUSAGE-LIKE FOOD (because we like to know what sort of meat went into them and there was that one time we found a medical glove in a breakfast sausage) (seriously, I hadn't eaten a hotdog or a sausage from that point on) (until the other day) (that was about 7 years sausage-free).

In conclusion. Laundry should only be done by trained professionals with serious core strength. I wonder if I could get a doctors note....